I am a conundrum.
There are so many aspects of myself that I question.
Here are some examples:
I am bisexual with a preference for women, yet here I am in a healthy, loving, committed eleven-year relationship with a man who I love more than a hobbit loves The Shire and food.
I love my family, and yet I don’t speak with them much at all.
I enjoy writing, and yet I am lacking inspiration.
But my personal favorite:
I thrive in my alone time, yet I am starting to drown in the Lake of Loneliness.
For years I swore off allowing others into my life, and for the most part, I still do this to this very day.
I have told myself day in and day out that my husband and my best friends were all that I needed, but then there are glitches in the matrix where I realize that I am actually lonely.
I crave friends.
I crave interactions.
I crave developing and maintaining relationships with others.
And yet here I am, twenty-seven with a husband and two friends who are my family.
The issue remains: “Am I actually lonely or do I want what others have?”
I think it is a little bit of both.
I am a difficult pill to swallow.
I am highly opinionated.
I can be clingy.
I have a million ideas and I want each one to come alive.
I don’t sugar coat things.
I ask the questions that most people don’t want to answer.
See the problem with knowing that you aren’t really likeable is knowing that you aren’t really likeable.
My issue is that it is hard for me to put on a mask.
Some people can hide everything that they are feeling and thinking with ease, but I just can’t do that.
I don’t like confrontation, but I also don’t like bullshit.
As the kids used to put it: I am not fake.
You get what you get with me.
I also am not the type of person that trusts someone right off of the bat.
Some may say that this is a coping mechanism due to previous trauma.
Like I am building a wall against my fragile soul to protect myself from getting hurt.
But I just think it is being smart.
I am being cautious, sure.
But I am just being smart.
So here we are.
Faults and flaws filled to the rim.
And I am confused by my emotions.
Do I want more friends or is this another glitch?
I think I want more friends.
I think I am done with mediocre friends though.
I don’t want acquaintances.
I don’t want friends that I meet up for coffee with to say hi for an hour once every other month.
I want relationships.
I want a friendship where we can sit on one of our couches and have deep conversations about the world.
I want a friendship where I can trust and rely on them and vice versa.
I want a friendship where we can feel safe around each other.
Where it feels like that friendship was destined.
Like you are soulmates in the friend realm.
I have had relationships like this, and they are beautiful.
Your life becomes a little bit better than before.
You start to smile a little more often.
But more times than not, they dwindle away.
I am over that.
I want something that lasts.
I want a true friendship.
I have mastered the art of loneliness.
Now I want to conquer the world of relationships.